You know that feeling when you hit a brick wall and you do not know whether to break it down, walk away or try to find another route? Well, I'm kinda there but I know I'm not, my brain just wants to trick me into believing that I am. I'm at a good point in terms of the progression of synths and samples but really stepping back from music it feels as if I am ultimately stuck. when I get like this I feel as if I get more emotional when things like this affect me too much and stuck with nothing other than despair and confusion when reflecting upon myself and my work. Maybe it's the season or maybe it's the pressure I put on myself to be successful.

 

I as a person am also learning a lot. I think I'm taking more consideration into how my actions affect people and realising that living in my own head has consequences on the outside world and the people within it. I don't think I'm a bad person but when I look back on how I've treated people in ways such as not being in contact or being quick to shut down plans, it adds up to make me think that I am a bad person. I just wanna do good.

 

I feel like I don't dream for myself any more. my body won't let me. As much as I enjoy my own company and do have a tendency to do things alone, I've realised that a lot of my success will be shared amongst the ones I love the most, I've always said when I get there ill make sure everyone good and still intend to do so

 

I don't usually talk about this to my friends but I get sad sometimes (most times). It's a mellow sadness I'm kinda comfortable with but maybe it is because I'm so familiar with it. I do see happiness as a state but rather stemming from the little things you do, but what do you do when those little things get old and boring? As if its a train moving and every time it moves represents happiness and every time it stops is a depressive station and the train sometimes gets delayed for so long until it finally starts moving.

 

I love Guinness <3